Promoting Good Will in the Family--An Experiment--Update #1

For this second round of the experiment (see below for the original) I am hearing a lot of, "Ooh, Dad's helping Mom with the dishes. That's suspicious," and "Hmmm, Brother is letting me go first at...That's suspicious."  Wink  Wink


What I love about this is that people are pointing out good things that are being done right away. Why wait until "the big reveal" to share the good you saw? (I know I'll forget a lot by then anyway!)

Promoting Good Will in the Family--An Experiment

Is bickering an inevitable occurrence when people are living and working closely together?

I didn't want to believe it was inevitable, but it seemed to be happening quite a bit between my kids in the first weeks of January.


Enter two items that really got me thinking:


1. I was part of a discussion in which several parents put forth the idea that bickering is largely just a manifestation of feelings of selfishness. 


It seemed quite logical. When I'm focused on myself and my needs and wants it's easy to become discontented. In that case, I'm much less interested in what others need and want.


2. I read in the February issue of Family Fun Magazine about one family that celebrates Valentine's Day by giving gifts within the family. They secretly draw names and purchase small gifts for each other. At a special Valentine's day meal they reveal which name they drew.


Couldn't these ideas be combined?


After talking it over with dh, I announced to the kids that we would be celebrating the first 14 days in February in the loving spirit of Valentine's Day.


1. We would exchange names secretly.
2. We would think of non-monetary ways to show our love toward that person.
3. We would have a special Valentine's Day meal and reveal which person we had been secretly doing good for.
4. In order to "throw others off our trail" we could also do kind things for the others in our family, but we could not neglect the person we'd chosen.


The kids' immediate reaction:


1. Excitement
2. "Why do we have to wait until February?"


Yes, why would we wait? Why not build on the excitement of the day (this was about halfway through January) and try the experiment early.


The results:


We exchanged names and spent the next two weeks thinking of nice things to do for the other people in our family. The kids began by giving out extra hugs all around. Eventually they added more concrete things to do for others. I had several offers to load the dishwasher and take out the trash when they weren't assigned. The kids were more likely to invite each other to a 2-player video game instead of playing 1-player more often. I found myself saying "yes" to more of the kids' requests for my time and attention. These are just a few examples.


When the two weeks were over, we tried to guess which person had been our secret    do-gooder. We gave examples to support our theory, telling good things we had seen people doing.


One thing dh liked most about the experiment was that it made a person think not just about the person they had chosen. They also thought about what they could do for the others as well.


Ds8 was excited to tell people outside the household about the project. He hoped they would share it with their families and that "the tradition would go on".


Dd6 summed up her experience by saying that she was happy she drew Mom's name because she loves me and thought of ways to be nice to me.


Wouldn't that warm any heart?


Everyone agreed that they'd love to do the experiment again for the February days leading up to Valentine's Day. They're already thinking of new ways to do good. They're also dreaming of the mousse pie we'll have for our "big reveal" meal.

If Life Had an "Undo" Button

When the kids began using our computer's word processing program, one of the very first things I taught the kids was how to use the "Undo" button. This nifty little button was able to reverse most of the errors that occurred during their typing. It brought back lines of text which had been accidentally erased. It turned off all sorts of functions that even I didn't know how to otherwise undo. (My son, even from a pretty young age, was quite good at discovering how to use various functions in the program and never once deleted my hard drive. I learned a few things by watching him!)

I was thinking today that sometimes I wish life had an "undo" button. Perhaps it could reverse time so that I could take back something I said. Perhaps it would allow me to change my tone of voice or the look on my face which often says more than the words themselves. Maybe it would help me, after seeing some end result, to go back and do something over a little differently, kind of like I "undo" some formatting that I thought would look good, but didn't.

Maybe I could press "maximize" to maximize my time or the money for my budget. Maybe I could "minimize" all of the things that get in the way of our time as a family or things that become stressful. Could I squeeze together my "margins" so I could get into a new dress? Could I "insert" some time to read a great book for myself?

Of course, if I had an "undo" button, maybe others would, too. Maybe they would go back and delete something that seemed embarrassing to them but brought joy to me (like those cute things our kids do before realizing that someone's watching).

It was just a fun opportunity to remind myself to think before I speak and act. When I get typing quickly, for instance, I tend to make more mistakes. The same is true when things get crazy around here.

Until I get an "undo" button, I've decided I'm going to just be content with my "home" button.

Is it my turn to pick the CD?

Is your household sometimes filled with the sounds of "No, it's my turn to..."

As an adult it sometimes boggles my mind that kids get so upset about (what seem to me to be) some very little things in life. I try to understand that these things are actually a very big deal in their eyes. Yet how can we avoid confrontations like this?

For us the answer came from above: God blessed us with two children, one born on an odd-numbered day and one born on an even-numbered day. I don't think of this as a coincidence. It's been a gift. It's alleviated some of the arguing over whose turn it is to do anything from choose what CD we'll listen to at lunch to who gets to give the offering envelope at church.

It might seem absurd that we "plan out" something as little as this. But I assure you, it's helped both of my children to remember that everyone needs their turn at things. Anything that helps them see this and then apply it in other situations is a valuable learning tool around here.

Life Skills--Sous Chef

It often seems easier to just do things for the kids instead of taking the time to clean up their food preparation "mistakes". (We've had a couple good puddles of milk and juice which stand out in my mind.)

I know that in the long run having them as helpers truly will save time.

At 5 and 7 years old they truly do seem more developmentally ready now to tackle more kitchen chores.

Ds7's new sous chef chore this week was learning how to peel vegetables. He did well and we didn't find any fingernail shavings in the dinner, either!

Cleaning Up a Little at a Time

At the beginning of the year I made a pact with myself. I have a lot of things in my basement (and various nooks upstairs) that need to be gone through. I'm sure a lot of things could be thrown out.

Since our monthly garbage bill is the same whether my trash can is half-empty or completely full, I made a goal to try to get my money's worth. I've been trying to have a full can each week. If there is a bag's worth of room in the can on the night before trash day, I've been trying to go through something that could be thrown away.

So far this plan has worked out pretty well. Most weeks the can is pretty full. I've probably gotten rid of at least 4 or 5 bags of trash that otherwise may not have been gotten to yet. It's also a good time to review those school "projects" still "adorning" our home. Is it time to take a photo and toss the original project? After all, how long does it take before salt-dough castles start to attract unwanted visitors?

Laundry "Aha" Moment

I can't tell you how many times I've put things into the dryer that shouldn't be dried. I'm a multitasker. Somewhere in my haste to get the laundry from washer to dryer I forget that there is something delicate that should be "laid flat to dry" or hung.

The other day I had a brainstorm. You've all probably been doing this for years, but I wondered, "Why not jot a note right on the washer lid?" (In addition to being a multitasker I'm also a compulsive list-maker.)

From then on I've been keeping a dry-erase marker next to my laundry soap and dryer sheets. Each time I put something into the washer, I make a little number in the corner of the washing machine lid for the number of items that shouldn't be put into the dryer.

The results: A perfect record so far. As a bonus, it's also ended up being a good "red flag" if someone else goes to put the clothes into the dryer other than the person that started the load.

I have found that I need to be a little careful with the brand of dry-erase marker I use. Some come off easily with just a wipe. Others seem to require a bit of water and a firmer swipe.